A former pupil and one of our own chemistry teachers have been found to be making methamphetamine. Any students caught with drugs of any kind will have them confiscated and then the students will be fed to Librarians. The drugs will be fed to the city council.
It is with great pleasure that Night Vale High announces the introduction of real food with actual nutritional value in the canteens. This long overdue feature apparently did not exist before because of an official mishearing “school food tastes like cardboard.” As such, the traditional cardboard platter will no longer be available. We apologise for any inconvenience caused.
New textbooks have been issued for biology class, to fit in with the new curriculum. The first unit is on torture and mutilation. All students are required to read the first four chapters by start of classes.
All breaks have been cancelled, all holidays have been cancelled. This is a lock in. You are never going home. We hope you are comfortable.
After several experiences of overdue books, many students now have no jaws. Please be aware that the Library’s late fees are no laughing matter. Get your books back in time.
We are sorry to announce that Josh Creighton has died. He was killed by Librarian during a PE class. We guess he was a little too chubby, but at least he has no need to worry about losing weight now. A PTA meeting has been called to discuss this issue.
Thanks to the hike in death rates in the city, all Biology classes will now have multiple bodies for dissection. Any students who object to dissecting family members, can fill out the “familial dissection exemption” form as usual.
Unfortunately the Chemistry department has been destroyed in a freak accident. A class was harnessing the power of nuclear fusion when someone accidentally lifted the control rods and created a chain reaction. Luckily the radiation exposure to the city was minimal and the effects will not last long. Radiation levels will be back to the normal 3kSv/a in approximately 2 million years.
The Mathematics and Statistics department have mysteriously lost a class. According to eyewitness accounts, the Teacher was halfway through an explanation of how given enough time anything is possible. Accounts say he was halfway through the sentence: “It’s true! If we had a million billion years it’s definitely possible. Even we could all just dis-“
Having asked Carlos’s advice on what happened, and whether the class would return we must unfortunately say it is unlikely to happen in the next trillion years. Our condolences to the families of those who were lost.
Night Vale High School is extremely pleased to announce that we have secured a new Head Teacher, after our last one was tragically killed in a misunderstanding with a Hooded Figure. Delores Umbridge, fresh from being Headmistress at another School, is happy to be starting at Night Vale High, and has many changes in mind that she feels would benefit the School greatly.